Here you go Katie Hopkins: some Scottish place names to give posh kids

The breathtakingly wonderful Katie Hopkins was on This Morning yesterday, blathering about how she would judge a child by their name.

All very fair, of course, because we all secretly love sneering at youngsters whose monikers weren’t decided by placing a pin on a random page in a garden shop’s flower catalogue?

Katie seemed to err when she said she “didn’t like geographical location names” – only for presenter Phillip Schofield to pipe up that one of her own children is named India.

Fortunately that was all resolved when I believe it was revealed that the daughter in question was actually named after former US President George W. Bush’s pet cat. (Though as I was busy headbutting the desk at the time, it is possible I may have misheard.)

Still, for the first time since getting kicked out of The Apprentice, presumably getting shirty at Sir Alan for being named after a coarse food product favoured by the lower classes, Katie got something wrong.

If only she came up north to Scotland – and we would certainly love to have someone of her confrontational zest shake up our socialist hippy-dippy hellhole! – the businesswoman would realise that there are plenty of place names more than posh enough for her kids.

With that in mind, here’s some suggestions – taken from other concerned Scottish citizens – for any of you out there who are as concerned as Katie Hopkins about your children winning the respect of the nation’s best and brightest parents. And yes, they are all actual Scottish place names:

  • Ecclefechan – there’s a butter tart named after this, which you can wheel out for Ecclefechan’s 10th birthday to the delight of all his friends.
  • Cockburn – prounounced “Coh-burn”, and sure to make sure your child sticks out amongst playground peers.
  • Bonkle – “Arise Sir Bonkle.” You can just hear it. It’s an inevitability.
  • Dull – because when your choice of school buddies is based around how cut-glass their Christian name is, then you may as well prepare for the inevitable.
  • Cumnock – there’s a magisterial ring to this.
  • Avoch – pronounced “Och” which gives you a great reason to correct absolutely everyone you come into contact with, thus raising your social status by proxy (or something).
  • Bonar Bridge – because what’s classier than a double-barrelled first name?
  • Shaggart – rhymes with Taggart. A cert for the police top brass.
  • Auchentoshan – An absolutely joy when pronounced by someone with a plumy upper-class accent.
  • Twatt – A firm, resounding name. Absolutely ideal for Katie Hopkins. Perhaps if she wants to change her name by deed poll?

If you have any other suggestions for Katie, be our guest in the comments below...

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