By Michael MacLennan
It’s been a difficult 11 months since ickle wickle Joe Swash tottered off with the I’m A Celebrity crown, the show at an end and the entire British nation trying desperately to cope in a world where David van Day and Timmy Mallet didn’t cause kerrrrazy chaos in the jungle like children’s TV presenters on a terrifyingly unpredictable concoction of hallucinogenic pharmaceuticals.
Oh, and a world where we didn’t have glamour model Nicola McLean constantly referring to (and nonchalantly self-promoting) her own breasts like they’d just ballooned themselves onto her body overnight.
Still, forget this long mire of deep depression, a period of I’m A Celebrity absence so terrible that this time it even caused banks to collapse, and George W Bush to flee the White House in shame. Goodness, even Gordon Brown may be able to cheer up, as the show is back! Back back back! And with a host of stars!
But who, you ask? Who on earth can top the likes of last year’s superstars Brian Paddick, Carly Zucker, Dani Behr and the crazy-eyed wonder that was Robert Kilroy-Silk?
Well, stars like Katie Price! Bet you didn’t see that busty bolt from the blue! Though it turns out she isn’t actually there until next week, as she’s currently getting pumped full of Botox in LA in a desperate attempt to look so frightful that her Bushtucker Trials will consist of several thousand creepy-crawlies scurrying away in fear as she tries to hoover them up her gob.
Don’t worry though, there’s plenty more stars! Like that one who... Erm... Uhh... Well... Oh.
On second thoughts, I think I’ve probably been to Lidl store openings more star-studded than this line-up of past-it plebs and gutter-dwelling talent-free twonks.
That of course is a tad unfair, as there are some genuine talents on display. (Though Sun readers will likely be quick to point out that two of those belong to Sam Fox. Wah-hey! Etc.)
Snooker legend Jimmy White in particular has enough stories to entertain the campfire crowd for the weeks to come - booze, gambling, a bevy of babes, it’s a wonder the Whirlwind could ever be bothered to actually show up to any tournaments knowing he’d have to duke it out against charisma vortex Dennis Taylor, never mind win 23 professional titles.
But from Jimmy on it’s a quick and constant plunge down the celebrity rankings. Still, this sort of show isn’t actually so much about how famous you are as what you’re willing to put yourself through in order to grasp on to the limelight for a few brief weeks. And the fact that anybody’s willing to spend a fortnight with Katie Price in an effort to reignite their career has my condolences.
For let’s face it, once that huffy over-inflated harridan stomps astride her stilettos into the camp it’ll be an altogether different experience altogether - a nationwide guessing game of “How many horrifically inappropriate comments can Katie make on tonight’s episode?”
For the other contestants themselves it’ll be like being confronted by the worst aspects of celebrity sucked up into the netherworld and formed into an actual being of such horrific potential that Damien from The Omen would have wet himself as soon as he set eyes on her. For these poor saps it’ll be a cautionary tale indeed, though at least Colin and Justin will be on hand to help Price apply her industrial-strength make-up with its usual trademark subtlety.
In fact, it’s a bit like A Christmas Carol re-imagined in reverse order for the Heat-reading Big Brother generation. First the Ghosts of Celebrities Yet To Come (or at least to feature on the front covers of gossip mags for the first few weeks of 2010 before they fade into oblivion).
Then there’s the Ghosts of Celebrities Present - Ant and Dec clinging onto their sterling careers despite the financial gloom and their having to present a show which actually tells us Kim Woodburn, Sabrina Washington and Stuart Manning are stars of any luminescence whatsoever.
And then there’s the horrific Ghosts of Celebrity Past - Price staggering around the jungle, probably pointing at the spot where she and Pete “did it” for the first time and showing the terrifying audience what may happen if they continue their fascination with such atrocities...
Oh, except that in a shock twist she then turns out to also be both the Ghosts of Celebrity Present and Ghosts of Celebrity Yet To Come, with such a terrifying grip on our souls that all we can do is grip onto our armchairs and watch with grim fascination. Goodness, it’s going to be fun!
