Our top ten Frank Carson jokes

The death at the age of 85 of Frank Carson was announced yesterday. The Ulsterman has been entertaining audiences with his jokes for more than fifty years.

Famous for the one-liner, we have collected a few of our own.

I was in a restaurant in the Far East and ordered the octopus, the waiter said it would take four hours, why's that I asked? It keeps turning the gas off he says. (suggested by Dave Taylor from Lanark)

Private Carson I didn't see you in camouflage class today. Thank you very much sir.

A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don't sell wasps.” He says: “There's one in the window.”

A guy goes into B&Q and says: “I'd like some nails please.” “How long would you like them?” “I want to keep them.”

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.

A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got Viagra?” “Do you have a prescription?” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife... ”

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly -"Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

Two Irishman went into a pub and the landlord said you’re not allowed to eat your own food in here, so they swopped sandwiches.

And finally…

When the Pope asked Frank if he had ever met Elvis Presley, Carson replied: "No I have not, but it won't be long now."

So here’s hoping Frank is bringing a smile to The King’s face as we speak.


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