A modern messiah: Tony Blair can rescue us in troubled times
Devil’s Advocate is a regular column taking a distinctly alternate viewpoint on one of the hot topics of the week.
It’s been a miserable few years for Britain, what with the financial crisis, Big Brother ending and Iron Man 2 turning out to be a bit rubbish, but fear no more, our saviour returns, and with a book in tow we can all learn a thing or two from!
No wonder William Hague had to publicly declare himself not gay - it’s hard for any of us completely hetero guys to keep our composure when Tony “Manero” Blair struts back onto these shores, newly tanned and looking relaxed after pretty much single-handedly solving the problem in the Middle East.
Fortunately the political, philosophical and (whisper it) religious dynamo is here to promote A Journey. As well as detailing his struggle to convince the morons who voted for him that he was right all along, his memoirs seem to lay out plenty of guidance for us in these testing times, such as how to tackle the rogue states and at which point we should give Iran a good kicking.
Before his evil nemesis is able to do any damage to our nation, Tony’s also able to tell us why it’d be a terrible idea to let Gordon Brown take the reigns. Just as well it’s in good time so that the dour Scot doesn’t actually become Prime Minister, and then wreck New Labour’s chances of getting re-elected by turning himself and everyone around him into walking disaster areas... Oh. Still, good try! I bet he meant that section of A Journey to get released when it would have made an actual difference, and it just got lost in the post or something.
In addition, the saintly Tony warned Diana just weeks before her death that “Dodi Fayed was a problem” - even though at the time of their heart-to-heart the princess apparently had yet to even meet Dodi. What prescience. Rumour has it that in the next instalment, focussing more on the past couple of years, the former Prime Minister jets around the world to advise a weak Wacko Jacko playing 200 gigs in a row might be too much for his heart to take, directs Tiger Woods to “keep it in your trousers, and I’m not talking about your putter”, and even warns Chantelle and Preston to stay out away from Ultimate Big Brother because the “chemistry is too much for one house to handle”.
Anyway, onto the point in hand: we should all be extremely grateful that Tony Blair is around to dole out such sage advice. (Every single one of us, most especially including you.) One of the most brilliant political minds of his generation, his towering intellectual capacity easily crushes any of the ninnies current claiming that he’s - wait for it - “self-obsessed”. Why, just because he’s written a book all about himself, and about why his opinions about everything make far more sense than, say, those of a million or so people marching against war in Iraq? Well, just look who won out on that score. Perhaps some of those demonstrators will read A Journey and regret their silly and impetuous actions, if the positive and cheery situation in Saddam’s former stronghold nowadays hasn’t already done so.
The problem is that hour to hour, day to day, year to year, us ordinary members of the public don’t get the chance to call upon such expert advice when we’re out drinking, brawling, shagging, taking drugs and doing all the stuff that people who aren’t ex-heads of state do. We have to rely on our own stupid brains instead, and you only have to see the vomit-encrusted, blood-splattered streets to see where that gets us.
So what we need to do is gather a group of the world’s greatest do-gooder genii together - say Tony Blair, Bono and Sting for starters - and put them in one room, on a Twitter account, so that everyone else can access this vast knowledge base whenever it might come in most useful. Just imagine how well it would work:
What would be the best sort of paint to decorate Aunt Gillian’s living room? Lilac, why of course, thanks Sting! What happens if I mix whisky, vodka and rum in one and down it on a night out? I see, there’s a good chance I’ll vomit, cheers Bono! Hmm, should I vote to elect Ed or David Milliband as the new New Labour leader? Ah right, it doesn’t matter because the party’s buggered anyway, and really the Con-Dem coalition are far better and doing exactly what this country needs at the moment, nice one Tony!
Of course, this sort of service will have to be 24/7, so we’ll have to gather them up and shove them in a basement somewhere, making sure they’re properly locked up for their safety (being such important figures and all). To make sure they don’t get fat and unhealthy, we’ll have to restrict access to food and water, but they’ll understand.
To make sure they don’t get distracted we’ll have to bind them up and blindfold them, barking the questions at them then noting their quivering replies. As with any change for the better there’ll be dark days (like, for example, in Iraq and Afghanistan), and the heroes will at some junctures doubt their own resolve, so however much they beg or struggle to escape, we’ll know deep down they’re really extremely grateful for allowing us to let them do what they do best. And what they do all the time anyway, whether we like it or not. With great power comes great responsibility and all that - and nobody else is greater than these guys - so it’s only right that they deserve special treatment to ensure our interests. Hell, I’m sure they can afford to pay us back for it through their vast fortunes, plus any interest too.
So, who’s with me?
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