Cash in hand; just not very much of it any more
Attention everyone. I hereby announce budget cuts for Lindseyland for the next financial year. There seems to have been an upsurge in spending under certain budgets. This situation simply cannot continue, and one must tighten one’s belt if one is to survive another year without ending up on the streets with a tatty Tesco Bag for Life full of one’s meagre possessions, wearing clothes made out of old curtains. I therefore announce the following cuts, with immediate effect:
Transport
Forthwith, no fancypants costly servicing of the car will be undertaken. A bi-annual kick of the tyres will suffice. Lessons have been learned (haven’t they, AA?) from previous prolonged periods of playing petrol chicken with the car running on fumes, so the occasional fiver’s worth of petrol should be inserted to keep likelihood of breaking down at bay.
Clothing
Unless one plans to grow an extra pair of feet, all impulse purchases of shoes will cease forthwith. This particularly applies to unwearable weird shaped shoes which are just for showing friends so that they can coo over them. The house is not a petting zoo for women with shoe fetishes. In an effort to recoup the gazillion quid spent on stuff that never gets worn, the half dozen unfortunate maxi dresses that make me look like Hattie Jacques will be hawked on eBay. Ditto the size 8/10/12/14 jeans that have accumulated over the years as one’s weight has ricocheted back and forward.
Regular clearing out of fridge fodder (tomatoes and other salad items bought in a moment of dizzy hunger during dietgate, potatoes, bits of cheese, meat of dubious origin) should cease and simply allow the offending items to fester. Given time, a nice fur winter coat can be grown with the resulting mould.
Estates
Grass will insist on growing, and as there are no lawnmowers in Lindseyland, the services of a bloke (who randomly looks like Norman Wisdom and gives me quite a start every time I see him) to cut the grass must be employed almost fortnightly. In an attempt to cut down on this cost a feasibility study will be conducted around the possibility of procuring a garden donkey, which could nibble the grass to keep it down at an acceptable level. This feasibility study should also investigate whether donkeys can be milked, thus saving £1.06 per week and wear and tear of shoes sustained while undertaking the two minute walk round to the corner shop for milk. Although these trips are ostensibly for milk, the shopkeeper knows perfectly well that at least three quid will be spent on cheese crisps and a bar of Fry’s Cream and the milk forgotten. It’s highly doubtful, however, whether a donkey could yield cheese crisps and Fry’s Cream. On no account must one make friends with the donkey. Familiarity breeds contempt and before long the donkey will be tapping on the door with a mournful expression, wanting his tea, taking control of the Sky+ remote, and surfing for donkeyporn on the National Geographic Channel. Brrr.
Leisure
It’s difficult to cut back on this budget heading. Half of nothing is still nothing. There is no cost involved in lying around the living room watching telly and playing with an iPhone. The iPhone, like the Sky+, is of course a basic necessity and cannot be scrimped upon. So shut up about it. Don’t judge me.
Purchase of magazines will cease with immediate effect, with the exception of the ones with free stuff on the front e.g. flip flops, cheap sunglasses, sarongs and bits and bobs of make up. It would be foolhardy not to buy the magazines with the cover gift. Doctors’ and dentists’ waiting rooms will be liberated of vintage, ten year old copies of Take a Break and such like magazines as they feature money saving tips on what to do with old teabags and toilet roll innards. I’ll save ££££££s.
So there you have it. The first round of Lindseyland budget cuts. I’ve invited Jon Snow to come and point his pointy stick at a graph I’ve made which demonstrates the potential savings. Conservative estimates show that at least £3.53 will be saved. And that’s not to be sniffed at.
