Okay okay. Stop snivelling. I’m sorry for making y’all cry last time. In case you didn’t read it, or if you fancy a good cry, read last week's column here. Now let’s hear no more on the matter (But seriously thank you everybody for the lovely messages received via Twitter and other social media - the weans and I are very thankful).
Onwards and umm…upwards. I’m suffering from a bout of stuff envy again. It’s Apple’s fault this time. They’ve finally launched the iPad in the UK. Oooh iPad. Shiny gadget. Ooooh. Slaver, lust. (Wipes dribble from chin).
I don’t know why I want it. I just want it. I’m not even exactly sure what it can do, or how my life will be enriched by it. But I’m full of misplaced want. I love gadgets. The more knobs the gadgets have to twiddle the better. The more add-on things available to purchase with which to augment the gadget the better. Wrap it up please, I’ll take it.
I found a new toy to play with the other day, while rummaging through a box of old stuff I’ve flitted from house to house over the past three decades. It’s an old glass Schweppes Soda Siphon. You know, the one every household had in the 70s, together with the Tretchikoff painting of the blue faced lady which certainly adorned our living room for a couple of decades? The blue lady was only replaced by a trippy, migraine inducing picture of a checkerboard background with a scary, stylised swan thereupon. I’ve no idea what my parents were smoking when they purchased that with the Provvy cheque.
I was recently consumed with retro want for that Tretchikoff Oriental Lady picture and eventually managed to track one down on eBay - which I subsequently won for thirty quid due to a bit of sneaky last second bidding. I had to collect it from Edinburgh, but hey whatever. It was worth the 600 odd miles round trip. Yeah, yeah I know Edinburgh is only 72 miles from Dumfries but I don’t like right turns so I go left until I eventually arrive at my destination. It’s very exciting. I’ve seen bits of the country I would never see otherwise. I’m kidding of course - I’m not THAT stupid - the real reason for the extra miles is that I lost the charger for my satnav.
So the blue lady was duly collected. In a strange juxtaposition of icons representing eras three decades apart, she came in a blue IKEA bag. It’s an original print (is that an oxymoron?) from the 50s, and even has the original framer’s sticker on the back. I’m in love with it. Tacky gilt frame and all. It completes me. It had me at hello etc etc.
Getting back to the soda siphon - I think it needs a gizmo to make it work. A gas canister or some such nonsense. Excuse me whilst I consult Google…
Yes indeed. One can purchase said gizmos from eBay. My a-Googling has also revealed that the soda siphon was a bit of a wow at seventies parties. I certainly remember it being well used chez Caldow, above the chippy.
I thought I had a valuable antique on my hands, but it turns out they’re as common as muck, and only worth around 6 quid. Damn. I’d practically written my resignation letter on account of that potential windfall. I’ll keep the blue lady for a few years before flogging her (not literally) and retiring on the proceeds.
Meanwhile, I’m off to peruse the Apple website again. Somebody stop me. Surely, in this day and age, where they can make patches to stop you smoking, and to stop you eating; somebody, somewhere, must have invented patches you can slap on your arm to stop you using a credit card?
