PEARLY WHITES: George Michael's gnashers are an inspiration
I’m a very projects based person. I embrace new projects with my usual gung ho approach to life. I throw myself at them. While they last, they consume my every waking moment. This week I’m embracing my teeth. Not literally, that would be physically impossible and a bit weird even for me, the self-appointed Queen of Weird.
This new project was prompted by a bit of my tooth breaking off a couple of weeks ago. It just broke off a propos of nothing at all. I wasn’t even eating an apple (that’s an amusing thought – me eating an apple. Impossible to imagine - as it’s pretty much akin to imagining me doing the ironing). So off to the dentist I trotted, hoping he’d forget that I’d failed to show up for a previous appointment. He didn’t. As penance, I had to endure the dreaded bi-annual x-rays. There ensued a series of sweaty-browed visits to the dentist’s chair, during which I learned several new facts about myself.
- 1. I don’t like having somebody’s fingers in my mouth.
- 2. I have a very sensitive gag reflex. So much so that a dentist’s assistant has to stand by with a sick bowl during the whole treatment session. Even THAT makes me want to gag.
- 3. My mouth automatically rejects any foreign body inserted therein. (Pause to insert your own smutty joke).
- 4. I have an unusually small mouth. Child size apparently. This was discovered during the begetting of impressions for whitening trays. The hygienist had to whittle away at a child-size impression mould to make it fit my alarmingly tiny mouth. Oh the irony!
- 5. I have a very hot mouth. This fact came to light when the impression mould stuff was being held in my mouth. It set almost instantly. My bottom jaw and teeth nearly came away with it. On the upside, the dentist was delighted with the results of the impression, and after enthusing for a good ten minutes over my beautifully reproduced Plasticine teeth model (which I noticed embarrassingly had a bit of my lunchtime cheese toastie encapsulated therein) proclaimed excitedly that I had a very hot mouth. I took it as a compliment and mumbled a thank you.
The impressions are part of my “Get White Teeth Quick!” scam. It’s the likes of George Michael’s and Cheryl Cole’s fault. I’ve long envied George and his dazzling smile. Most recently, Cheryl. So, on consulting Doctor Google, I decided that my life would be improved at least tenfold if I invested in some teeth whitening.
Think of the return on investment! (The fact that I’m sticking the vomit-inducing bill on a credit card is neither here nor there. I refuse to be judged.) Years of dizzydazzle smiles ahead. Becoming the envy of all my friends. I’ve decided that perfectly white teeth will detract focus from my less attractive features, e.g. the rest of my body.
Apparently one can either have a trays and bleach type system, which takes several weeks to achieve best results, or one can have white teeth in 45 minutes. Guess which one I’m plumping for? Actually I’m plumping for both. Hence the impressions. I’ll keep you posted. I’m sure you can’t wait. There is bound to be much comedy value in teeth whitening in the forthcoming weeks. The 45 minute session is booked for next week. I shall report back.
Oh, and let me know if there are any other treatments you’d like me to research in the name of column writing. Nothing too painful though, because I’m a screamer. I can’t even have my eyebrows tweezed without whimpering. Someone has to sit on my legs throughout otherwise I kick like a nervous pony. Something to do with the nerves in my eyebrow area being wrongly wired to the nerves in my leg. I’ve totally just made that up.
