Hair today: Actually hair yesterday, the Three Degree look Lindsey was after.
I got my foot back! Remember? I broke it? No? Oh. Well, I had an X-ray of the offending foot done again this week, and although the X-ray looked exactly like the one I had done just after I’d broken it, the doctor reliably informs me that it’s starting to heal. (This is a miracle given all the moaning and defiance of doctor’s orders I’ve partaken of in the past five weeks but let’s pretend I didn’t just say that).
Apparently it’s okay for me to wear a pair of shoes again, and to walk and drive. Simple pleasures. So I celebrated by going for a wee walk with Kate. It was only to Morrisons and back mind. Twenty minutes, tops.
This is still enough time for a good rant though.
Me: “You know what I hate?”
Kate: “Bald men with facial hair who look like their heads are on upside down?”
Me: “Eh. Aye, well that, I suppose yes, but…”
Kate: “People who say ‘pacific’ when they mean ‘specific’?”
Me: “Uhhh… aye that too, but…”
Kate: “Answering the house phone? Visitors? Visitors who say yes to your gritted teeth offer of tea?”
Me: “Umm… right STOP. You make me sound like a moany-faced old bag.
Kate: “…”
There then ensued a good fifteen minute, not-pausing-for-breath rant about the many things which get on my already frazzled nerves. Most recently, I have added to this already comprehensive and extensive list the following thing: Clearing out cupboards.
Gah. You might find this activity cathartic and cleansing. I don’t. Unfortunately, needs must at the moment, so clear them out I shall.
I found a sheepskin jacket that I “may” have worn back in the day. Do not judge me please. I must’ve surely looked like Del Boy. Or Del Girl, I suppose.
Cupboard clearing also unearthed various suits in an embarrassing range of sizes and colourways (as they say on QVC) I used to wear to work. They’ve long since been given up in favour of the comfort waistband Lycra wide leg trouser and tunic top combo.
I shoved the lot, six bin liners full, in to the charity bin at the dump. The sheepskin jacket needed a bin liner all to itself, such was its bulk. It refused to yield.
It’s not an easy task, this chucking stuff away business, is it? I woke up in a cold sweat during the night because I had failed to check the pockets of the stuff I’d chucked. I can’t even think about what damning evidence of my hedonistic lifestyle might be found in their murky depths at the Oxfam shop. Or not, probably.
I also cold sweated during the night about the fact that I may have inadvertently shoved a bag of bras and pants, which should have been retired from active service many moons ago, in to the charity recycling bin instead of the actual proper rubbish skip. Eesh. Perhaps a small family could set up home in a couple of my bras. A room each per cup. Scottish housing shortage problem solved. You’re welcome.
To my surprise, this cupboard clearing activity also unearthed a bizarre collection of fancy dress type outfits, including a range of wigs in various colours and styles. I’m keeping them though. You never know. The fact that I’m rarely out of the house to socialise, preferring instead to lie on the couch with the Sky Plus remote and a family bag of Maltesers is neither here nor there. I want to be one of those people who always have the right fancy dress outfit to hand if required or asked.
The most recent addition to the Mason House of Wiggery was purchased to attend a seventies themed party. I had fantasies of looking like a Three Degree (remember them? Of course you do, you’re about the same age as me, no?) But I actually ended up channelling Boy George. Don’t ask me why. It would seem I don’t DO glamorous. No offence Boy. Or George. However one addresses you.
Anyway, mustn’t stop. I have more cupboards to do. I must shower and get dressed first though. Although I just had another cold sweat moment fretting that I’ve despatched a couple of bin liners of my actual clothes which were for the “keeping” pile. As I’m currently only wearing a pair of manky jammy bottoms and an old sweatshirt (sans bra), today could be an interesting take on the capsule wardrobe.
PREVIOUSLY ON LINDSEYLAND LIVE:
Queen Lindsey opens her Royal job centre
A Wii nudge as Lindsey takes herself in hand
