Stuff it: Royal duvet changer in post waiting for the command. Pic: photogen.com
Somewhere, on this planet Earth, there must be a small country in need of a Queen to revere. I am waiting for my destiny to be fulfilled.
If I were made Queen of such a country (and because I would be a caring, giving Queen) I would announce the following vacancies for which my royal subjects may apply:
- An official duvet changer. Her Majesty wishes not to be within earshot of accompanying huffing and puffing. Just get on with it, so that Her Majesty may recline in her clean bed. Her Majesty wishes not to hear huffing and puffing.
- A Royal apple peeler and slicer. Her Majesty can only eat apples if they’ve been nicely peeled and sliced into segments, like they do in McDonald’s, which shall of course henceforth be known as the Royal Fast Food Outlet, by Appointment.
- An official googler. Her Majesty often requires things a-googling and will frankly be too busy being fabulous to do any googling herself. Her Majesty is subject to many whims, some of which are converted into hobbies and as such may require much googling.
- An official sender back of stuff. Her Majesty, as a result of whims alluded to above, accumulates much in the way of stuff, of which Her Majesty tires. Includes DVD rentals for which return envelopes have been lost.
- Court jesters. Several required, dependent on Her Majesty’s many moods. To include a troupe of young men chasing her Majesty round the castle (of course I’d have a castle, where did you think I’d live? A Travelodge?) in the style of Benny Hill to accompanying music whenever her Majesty is in the mood for a bit of a squealy chase.
- An official friend. (Previous applicants need not apply). Successful applicants will be fatter and less pretty than Her Majesty, and have really crap hair. In no way must the Official Friend give her Majesty a showing up, looks wise. Official Friend must also participate in all small talk on Her Majesty’s behalf at bus stops and at other such times as dictated by Her Majesty’s…umm…hectic social calendar.
- Royal agree-er. Person specification includes ability to listen when her Majesty is ranting about stuff and not to look bored or agitated. The Royal agree-er must be capable of making “mmmm, oh I know” and “tsk that’s awful” noises.
- Royal smart arse. Her Majesty’s brain is so full of knowledge that sometimes the knowledge leaks out and she forgets things, unless she’s read it in Heat magazine. Therefore the role of the Royal smart arse is to walk behind her Majesty and to subtly feed her lines of smartarsery when the occasion demands. Professor Brian Cox may apply for this job please. In fact, don’t bother applying, sonny, just start Monday.
- Official tights putter-on-er. This may involve the design and production of a mechanical hoist or some such. Her Majesty, due to her athletic build (cough) has great difficulty with the putting-on of tights. The official tights putter-on-er’s sole responsibility will be to develop gadgetry which facilitates the meeting of the gusset of Her Majesty’s tights to Her Majesty’s Royal crotch with the minimum of fuss and with as much decorum as possible.
Please submit CV for Her Majesty’s perusal. Also include full length photograph that Her Majesty may titter at it. The above list of vacancies is not exhaustive. Please append suggestions for suitable royal roles in the comments box below.
