Absolutely barking: Donald Trump brings out the worst of business speak in his apprentices Pic: ©STV
This isn’t personal – it’s business.
So this week I've been watching The Apprentice USA. It's on late on Tuesdays. I've been going through a bout of insomnia due to corneal ulcer gate. (See previous columns for gory, boring details). Otherwise I wouldn't be up at that hour. So I managed to catch a couple of episodes of The Apprentice USA and boy was I glad I did. So much material for this humble column.
Donald Trump, who has filled many a column in his time, barks his way through every programme like a man who has pulled up a wee bit too far from the intercom at a drive through McDonalds. The apprentices - with great teeth, shiny hair and taut buttocked gym bodies, a bit like myself (cue Harry Hill-style sideways look to camera), hang on his every word, even when he says that they, too, could one day have their own private jet. Say what? I don't know about you, but I've got enough to worry about without a private jet taking up another parking space on the street, and having the neighbours tut tut every time I rev it up and stall it in the morning. Why would I want a private jet? If I was rich I'd buy a) a Malteser factory, and b) actually that's it. A Malteser factory.
Donald is ably assisted by a couple of sidekicks - one of whom is a sour faced, tight mouthed automaton called Carolyn who ould scare me to death if she so much as asked me where the toilet was. Not that she'd ever need the toilet; she's far too in control and focused. She probably wears pants made of itchy horsehair to maintain that stern businesslike expression.
Every programme begins with a bit of a retrospective, with shots of Donald looking all rich and businesslike. Then we go on to the scene for the new task. This week saw Donald on a cruise ship asking Really Serious Questions like "So...how many propellers does it have?" Not that I’d fare any better, to be honest, I'd probably blurt out "Is there a gift shop? Tea room? Is the food free?" before accidentally leaning on a button which launches the ship prematurely causing hundreds of passengers to fall off the gangplank into the icy waters below (is that what you walk up to get to a ship? A gangplank? Frankly, I can't be bothered googling it).
So the apprentices are allocated their weekly task (the detail of which is irrelevant - it's almost always promoting some brand or other and you just KNOW that whatever the apprentices do, it'll stink). What they are good at is trotting out business clichés - it's never long before my toes are curling at hearing them utter buzzy sentences like "Yes Mr Trump, I’m willing to step up to the plate and take one for the team" or "Mr Trump, Sir, I know how to play in the sandbox".
We used to liven up team meetings with Buzzword Bingo - this was generally preceded by some Extreme BluTac Modelling including a particularly surreal 'Dolphin on Apple' which Charles Saatchi would be proud to own. We would cross off a list of icky buzzwords and extra points would be given to the player who could get one of our own made up buzzwords in there. A favourite was "cheesemongery". The winner played a blinder by adding in the word "associated" as in "Our conversation revealed that the client was guilty of some fairly serious financial shenanigans and associated cheesemongery". I may have wept in awe. Beautiful.
My all time favourite blogger Belgian Waffle (http://belgianwaffling.blogspot.com/) likes to collect business buzzwords:
· Going "open kimono" (I've no idea what it means, but it's just right isn't it?)
· Bend it over the desk (Again, no idea, but by golly, I'm going to use it at the next available opportunity)
· Kick the tyres (Nope. Stumped again. I suppose it might mean to test something's robustness? Who cares. It's damn funny)
So back to The Apprentice USA. Each week we're treated to some limp business advice from Donald, framed by shots of him sitting steeple fingered at his mountain of a desk (size does matter, girls, right?) nodding sagely as a lackey shares some great business idea they've been blue sky thinking and thought showering. (Cross two phrases off your buzzword bingo card).
We finally have the boardroom. Jeez these folk are blunt. Brutal undermining of your opponent disguised as honesty. I'd be crying in the corner. I don't do rejection or criticism very well. The winning team of the week bounce off to a treat from Mr Trump. I was distracted at the end of last week's programme and looked up to see what I thought was a mortuary. For an instant I thought "Oh wow that's cool - they get to do post mortems this week". It wasn't. It was a diamond vault - they got to play with diamonds. What's the point in that? Playing with diamonds is surely like looking at a holiday brochure. It just makes you wistful if you can't afford the real thing. Ach, maybe I'm just hard to please. Give me a post mortem any day. Not personally, obviously. That would be weird.
Oh and do yourself a favour, catch The Apprentice USA on Tuesday nights.
Lindsey Mason writes in a personal capacity. Her views do not necessarily represent those of STV plc.
