Braking down: why do we all become monsters behind the wheel? Pic: ©STV
A funny thing happened on the way to the Office of Doom this morning. I skipped in to the car, adjusted rear view mirror for optimum make up checking angle (Oh wheesht, I’m joking), started the engine thing, and took off. I got to the end of the road and applied the brakes. Nothing happened. I pressed my foot harder on the brake pedal. Nothing happened. So I did what any mature, sane person would do - I laughed. Pressed brake pedal even harder - car finally came to standstill. I laughed again. I know, I'm an idiot. Oi! Village! You missing an idiot? I'm right over here, laughing at brakes failing on cars on busy roads.
Once I'd stopped laughing, I continued, albeit gingerly, on my merry way to the office. But it got me thinking about driving and in particular my own chequered driving "career". I didn't pass my test until I was 25. Fourth attempt if you must know. I've had a few minor bumps and scrapes, (and one major one which I will simply gloss over) including a famous double whammy where I reversed into the same lamppost, twice in the space of two weeks. I got the car repaired - new bumper, paint job etc, and settled the evil bill. The following week, I reversed into the very same lamppost. I kid you not. In my defence I was heavily pregnant, and at that bovine stage of pregnancy where you don't really give a rat's ass about anything much except where your next lie down is coming from. I was banned from driving by my family until the wean was born.
These days I'm a far better driver (except, as a result of “Scary Accident Referred to Glossily Above”, I don't "do" turning right at junctions if I can avoid it. One day I'm sure this will result in my travelling home from work via Wales and I'll cry and cry). Oh but I criticise other people's driving constantly. Isn't it weird that I'm a perfectly civil and polite human being until I get behind the wheel? It then seems perfectly acceptable to mouth obscenities and gesticulate at other drivers for any misdemeanour, however trivial. Head shaking and very rude hand gestures are all fair game.
And I can be evil too. Oh yes I can. Nothing makes me snigger more than when cocky young lads start to saunter across the road just as the lights turn green in my favour. One of my greatest pleasures is to smile at them until they get just to the mid point of the road then I like to honk my horn just once, startling the bejesus out of them and watching them jump out of their skins and do a wee pretend run to the safety of the kerb. I snigger at that. Hell, I'm sniggering now. I almost never do that with old ladies though. I do have a heart y’know. I only do it on pension days.
We all have our little pet hates about other people's driving habits. I get particularly narked by people who insist on driving with fog lights on because they think it makes their car look sporty. It doesn't. It just looks like you've switched your fog lights on because you think it makes your car look sporty. It's also against the law to drive with fog lights on when it isn't actually foggy isn't it? BURN THEM AT THE RUDDY STAKE!
Other folk who can be burned at aforementioned ruddy stake together with the fog light numpties are those who sit behind the wheel dawdling when the lights turn green. Just GO! GO! Just get a flipping MOVE ON! (Incidentally, one of my stranger habits is to hold my breath when I'm approaching traffic lights that are in danger of turning red just as I approach them. It sometimes works. As you'd expect. This is probably the same weird personality quirk that makes me do things like say to myself "If you finish eating this banana before the adverts during Hollyoaks then you'll win a tenner on the lottery this week". Familiar? No? Ah. Just me then).
Oh, and finally, an update on my corneal ulcer. I’ve been putting in the eye drops as instructed, and things seem to be improving, according to the consultant. I asked him if I’ll be able to play the piano after this thing has healed up. He said yes! I was ecstatic! Mainly because I’ve never played it before…
Lindsey Mason writes in a personal capacity. Her views do not necessarily represent those of STV plc.
