The STV Trailer Park: with G.I. Joe: Retaliation, The Angel’s Share and The Monk

It’ll happen towards the end of the year: someone will ask what my shameful moment of 2012 was. I’ll rise wearily from my armchair, slowly walk to a window and glassily stare outside, voice barely rising above a whisper as I croak: “I can’t say.”

“Why not?”

“Because it was the moment when Bruce Willis showed up at the end of the trailer for G.I. Joe: Retaliation, firing a machine gun from the back of a car that’s doing a doughnut, and I got shivers down my spine.”

“Oh. But you did realise that the first G.I. Joe movie was awful, didn’t you?”

“I know.”

“And you do realise that you’ve already admitted your shame in such a manner that it can be widely disseminated, including to those to whom you have pretentiously pretended to be some sort of lofty film buff?”

I know.”

“I bet you missed some critically acclaimed art house masterpiece so you could go watch G.I. Joe: Retaliation at the local dumbo-plex, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“On two separate occasions?”

“YES.”

“It was pretty cool, though, wasn’t it?”

“It looked AWESOME.” (Release date: June 29)

So anyway, the Trailer Park! Next up we go from a film I shouldn’t talk about to a film I can’t talk about, because I’m under embargo after having seen it. (Brilliant work.)

However, you yourself can watch the trailer for Ken Loach’s The Angel’s Share, which is set in Glasgow and concerns the travels of a group of young rapscallions to a whisky distillery up north. While I can’t comment on it, its nomination last week for the Cannes Film Festival’s prestigious Palme d’Or might hint at the fact that we have a strong, funny, proudly Scottish film on our hands. (No comment from me on the matter though. Goodness no!) (Release date: June 1)

And on release from Friday we have The Monk, which stars Vincent Cassel in an adaptation of the classic gothic novel, and looks to be a dark and brooding tale of temptation and all other sorts of mischief. In essence probably about as far away as you could get from wacky OCD US TV PD Monk. (That enough acronyms for you?) (Release date: this Friday)

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