Hmm, what could Burlesque be about? Table tennis? The cut-throat world of top-class Ludo? Whatever it is, Burlesque stars Christina Aguilera in her debut film role, so let’s just hope that the subject matter allows her to sing and dance about in a series of skimpy numbers. That would be different. Oh, plus it also stars an awful looking, punch-drunk Cher - or at least a melted down plastic mannequin styled to look like her - who we can only hope isn’t allowed to sing and dance about in a series of skimpy numbers. Are you excited yet? No, me neither. (Release date: December 17)
Moving swiftly onto something that might actually be any good, we have Cyrus, which has been receiving some great praise over in the US. The indie comedy stars John C Reilly as middle-aged desperado John, who somehow becomes involved with the lovely, attractive Molly (Marisa Tomei) - but then has to deal with her extremely odd and creepy son Cyrus (Jonah Hill). Will John be able to cope?
To be perfectly blunt, though, if I had a chance to go out with Marisa Tomei I’d be prepared to put up with all manner of horrifying things - I’d probably do truly terrible things as well, like sabotaging neighbours’ cabbage patches and listening to Charlatans CDs. Can you even imagine? Most likely not. (Release date: September 17)
Korean director Joon-ho Bong’s The Host was a superbly original monster movie (not seen nearly enough over here), and for that reason alone follow-up Mother should be one of the most anticipated movies of the year. The thriller follows a mother desperately trying to track the murderer who framed her son, and the tense trailer bode extremely well. (Release date: September 20)
Hmm, it seems quite a week for potentially awesome foreign movies, and Enter the Void follows on in a debauched, spectacularly stylised fashion. Gaspar Noé is best known here for Irreversible, a movie as confrontational as it is unforgettable. His obsessions with sex and violence have certainly lingered on for this “psychedelic melodrama”, an in your face, mind-bending experience which follows a drug-dealing teen who is killed in Japan, after which he reappears as a ghost to watch over his sister in the perverse neon gloom. Who needs hallucinogens when this is kicking about in the cinema? (Release date: September 24)
And then, last and almost certainly least, we’ve saved some Danny Dyer for you in The Last Seven. Now synonymous with utter crud, the Cock-er-ney geez-ah is all alone in a big city apart with another six people (who obviously will all be delighted to have to put up with his cheeky, chirpy presence). Wow, if I didn’t know better I’d have said this is a rip-off of 28 Days Later! You know, except without the budget, the acting or directorial talent, or indeed the point. I think I’d rather try and etch the actor’s name on my eyeballs with a rusty razorblade - ‘Danny’ on the left peeper, ‘Dire’ on the other, complete with deliberate spelling mistake - than ever have to sit through this movie. Still, if you’re interested... (Release date: hopefully never)
You can find all the trailers for the latest movies, including these and more, in our film trailers section.
