Prince Charles and rest of the royal family should be forced to get proper jobs

Prince Charles: The royal was in Scotland this week.
Prince Charles: The royal was in Scotland this week.© SWNS

I was at the gym, on the running machine, huffing and puffing and occasionally watching the TV. Suddenly, I glanced upwards – vaguely optimistic that Doctors was about to start – and there was the Prince of Wales, presenting the Scottish weather.

I thought I’d finally pushed my body past its limits – that trying to run 13.8 km/hr for 2.5 km the day after a Jägerbomb-induced hangover had broken my sanity. But I got back to my computer afterwards, and lo and behold, I hadn’t been hallucinating. It had actually been him.

Soon it was trending on Twitter, being linked to on tens of thousands of Facebook profiles and creating headlines everywhere, most appearing delighted by this wacky stunt.

Not me, however. (As readers of this column might have come to expect.)

Instead I gazed in awe at the fluidity of his delivery, the panache with which he presented the weather news for all across the country. (Oh, especially the way he barely missed a beat as he wryly notes the inclusion of Dumfries House in the round-up.) A lifetime of speech-reading has made him the consummate pro, without us having ever having realised it.

Well, the genie can’t be put back in the bottle now. It’s often been said that the royal family are a drain on our resources, but the truth is far worse than that. These are in fact highly trained individuals who have a variety of skills to offer us, and we’ve shuffled them off to the opening of garden shows and charity galas as though there’s nothing better for them to do.

No wonder Charlie has always appeared so grumpy: his value has been grossly underestimated, and it’s all our fault. We’re as culpable as we would be if we’d cast Daniel Day-Lewis as ‘Second Tree’ in an am-dram production of Peter Pan, or had Jenson Button manning an Edinburgh rickshaw.

I bet it’s the same with each and every one of his family. They’re itching to pull their socks up and get their hands dirty – and whatever other clichés may need employed – in the fight to end this dastardly depression that’s taken grip of their subjects. But the poor bastards instead have had their hands tied, facing cruel accusations that they leech off the state, and that they’re an anachronism in the modern age, and that they’re more pointless than the continued music career of Shakin’ Stevens.

It must have been hell for them, living in such luxury while the rest of us suffer. However, a solution is at hand!

As we all know the Royal Family are too polite and reserved – and simply too darned nice – to tell us what they really want, so what we ought to do is to force them to work for a living, in areas where they can actually assist and save the taxpayer some dosh.

Sure, they might protest that it’s an “indignity” or whatever, but we’ll know that that’s just classic typical British reserve in action, and that all along they’ve just needed a gentle shove in the right direction. (A path that ideally takes them past the nearest Job Centre.)

With his slick presentational skills Charlie could become the new face of Strictly Come Dancing once ol’ Brucie has had enough. (Surely something classy enough to befit his talents?) Indeed, he could do a double-shift with that and the weather, perhaps even doing the voiceover for some stultifying documentary on plants before he hits the sack. With the reduction in funding at the BBC, it’d be an ideal solution. Cashback!

Thinking quickly, Prince Harry could put his military experience to good (less deadly effect) by working at a local Laser Quest, Wills and Kate becoming professional dog-walkers, the Queen donning a lollipop lady costume, Prince Phillip undertaking some janitorial work on a local comprehensive – there’s a world of wonderful possibilities that would make them ever so content, and us a little bit better off into the bargain. Everyone’s a winner.

And after all, the Royal Family all appear to be sensible, well adjusted individuals, and they can’t possibly think it alright to contribute so little when the financial state of our nation is in such peril?  No, of course not. What a silly, silly idea that would be.

No wonder the Prince appeared so happy at the end of the forecast – he’d just passed his audition with flying colours, and most of us hadn’t even realised. Britain’s got talent alright, and Charlie’s right at the top of the pile. At the age of 63, can we really to let him go to further waste, or the rest of the Windsors for that matter?

Devil’s Advocate is a regular column assuming an alternate viewpoint on a topical subject of the week.

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