Devil’s Advocate is a regular column assuming an alternate viewpoint on a topical subject of the week.
After all the worries and the nail-biting, in the end it didn’t appear like quite like the close-run contest that had been envisioned. Barack Obama again triumphed in the US presidential election, and around the world we cheered – countries such as the UK heavily in favour of his triumph against Republican rival Mitt Romney.
However, in actual fact we ought to have been too terrified to raise even a whimper, petrified in fear of what the result meant.
Why? Well, it all begins with the fact that the Republican Party made their most desperate attempt yet to get God on their side – depicting Obama's Democrats as secularist heathens in the process.
Christian leaders were throwing their support behind Romney, while Republican candidates were busy denying evolution and doing whatever else they could to appease their anointed higher power.
They couldn’t quite bring themselves to make human sacrifices – well, unless forcing rape victims to have babies as a result of vicious attacks counts, of course – but they certainly ploughed hundreds of millions of dollars into Romney’s campaign fund. (Just as well there were no other urgent priorities to spend the money on.)
The result? It appeared that – at best – God wasn’t listening. Therefore, just as He/She/It would have been credited had Romney won, She/It/He must also be awarded with responsibility for Mitt’s resounding defeat. Indeed, since Republicans are blaming Superstorm Sandy on their painful loss, clearly It/He/She must have been on the other side.
Of course, you might not matter to you yet, if you don’t believe in God. But think again – as climate change threatens to cause chaos around the world, then it’s really only the existence of a higher power that might save us.
After all, Sandy battered one of its major cities, causing death and destruction and affecting the country’s entire infrastructure, yet US voters were still primarily concerned by the economy. (Indeed, they appeared wilfully ignorant of the fact that extreme weather conditions might mean that the economy in future will consist of bartering your first-born child for some soggy doughnuts, as you wade through submerged streets on a dinghy crafted out of the Vogue back catalogue.)
That’s not to point the finger solely at the other side of the Atlantic – over in the UK we elected a coalition government that’s been markedly more hostile to green energy, and has pretty much no interest whatsoever in meeting the targets specified to tackle climate change – unless they own some shares in any of the companies involved, of course.
In short, if the scientists are right and we only have a limited time to save ourselves from global disaster, then we are completely screwed.
We’re currently cutting off the nose to spite the face, then using that very same nose to gouge our eyes out, before shoving it down our throat and causing suffocation.
Even in Scotland the weather is becoming ever more variable – far from the idea that climate change would make our country a tropical paradise, instead we have to steady ourselves to the fact that an increasing amount of old ladies will be swept away into the sky by umbrellas each month, like a grim Mike Leigh take on Mary Poppins. Despite this, our focus is on political separation from the UK, rather than our country sinking into the sea and gulls tearing at our guts as we vainly try to doggie paddle it over to Iceland.
So, yes: the only hope we seem to have is from a higher power – and whatever it was/is couldn’t even be bothered to respond to the prayers of millions of devoted followers and grant Romney victory. (And out of the other prominent religions, it’s not as though the followers of Islam or Buddhism are exactly being blessed at the moment, should we want to turn elsewhere for hope.)
Even if She/He/It isn’t dead, then it’s clearly too entranced by the noodlings of some Beatles/Jimi/Jacko supergroup to even bother to lift a solitary finger to help us out. Or perhaps He/It/She just knew how those created in God’s own image were going to vote, and took it as a gigantic slap in the face? It must have been a bit like being at a penthouse party where the revellers ignore the host’s carefully curated music selection in favour of having a homeless drunk who’s wandered in singing a ditty about how people who own penthouses are complete prats.
Either way the election of President Obama shows that humanity is ultimately doomed. Given our ineptitude and inaction over recent years, it’s not even as though we have the right to blame any mythical deity for our imminent destruction. Just like Mitt Romney, we may as well give up, go home and chuck any prayer books we have in the bin.
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