Devil’s Advocate is a regular column assuming an alternate viewpoint on a topical subject of the week.
If you’re able to stay off the internet – and what the hell are you doing reading this if so? – then perhaps it’s quite easy to ignore the wee brat’s existence.
However, assuming you’re regularly online, his incessant all-conquering presence has been unbearable for far, far too long.
Justin Bieber’s name hogs headlines (such as the one above), the self-styled ‘Beliebers’ mar Twitter with their moronic topics of the day (“#replacephilosophersnameswithbieber” probably trending at the moment), and the hysteria that he has caused shows no sign of abating.
But that’s actually fine enough when you think about it – it’s perfectly acceptable that young audiences find somebody to idolise, transferring their hopes and dreams on to.
We all had our own equivalents to Bieber when we were the same age as these clueless kids, stars who could do no wrong in our eyes.
Mariah Carey, Robbie Williams, Britney Spears, Katie Price… There’s a long and illustrious line of brilliant singers who were teen pin-ups in the past and suffered the same fate that the subject of this week’s Devil’s Advocate ought to.
Yes, Justin Bieber needs to be sacrificed for the greater good.
We require him to be gurgling on gin in the gutter, injecting his eyes with hallucinogens, forsaking every vow and promise he ever made, all while wearing a pair of stolen lederhosen.
Why? Well, he’s reached that same tipping point that those other names did – his blissfully chirpy, clean-cut existence is having a painfully negative effect on society that ought to be corrected as soon as possible.
There are two reasons for this. First, after suffering his appalling songs and horrific videos for what feels like an eternity (even if it is just three years or so), the public need the satisfaction of having Bieber brought down to size.
The morbid daily existence that most of us are fated to is only made worse when we see some insufferably smug berk fly all around the world, smothered in riches merely for appearing somewhere. We need, nay, deserve some payback after what we’ve had to endure.
But mainly, we need to bring him down to the gutter for the sake of his fans.
Yes, you heard me right. Whether or not they realise it, his downfall is the best possible thing that could happen to his adoring, multimillion-strong gaggle of doe-eyed followers.
For while they may cherish him, what the youngsters need to realise – what they ultimately need to be taught before it’s too late – is that life is cruel beyond belief and is destined to let them down.
It’s nothing but disappointment after disappointment until you die and, after having their hopes built up by Bieber, he needs to kick-start their reality check before they graduate from school and expect actual “happiness”, something which nowadays is about as achievable as skydiving from space (topical, I know).
It’s a lesson they need to learn and there’s no better way of doing it than by placing Bieber slap-bang in the middle of a horrifically sordid scandal that seems entirely of his own doing.
For that we need to help kick him off his pedestal. It might sound mean, but actually it’ll be the best thing to ever happen to him. After all, he’ll have a hell of a time on the ride down.
So let’s hire Charlie Sheen as his personal adviser, get him in a movie directed by Mel Gibson, trap him in a cheap hotel room with nothing but Pete Doherty and a local friendly drug dealer to provide an escape route. Whatever it takes to have him looking more bedraggled than Nick Nolte before the time 2012 is out.
Of course we don’t want to overdo it, replicating what ultimately happened to Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson, but a good old-fashioned meltdown is surely the order of the day. With any luck he might even drag those disgusting oiks One Direction down with him.
And however horrific the sight of his own personal agonies may be, surely it won’t be as bad as having to listen to his latest single?
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