David Cameron’s brilliance in knowing nothing about British history

Phone a friend? The Prime Minister comes a cropper on US chat show
Phone a friend? The Prime Minister comes a cropper on US chat show

Devil’s Advocate is a regular column assuming an alternate viewpoint on a topical subject of the week.

First of all, which bright adviser was it who came up with the fantastic idea to put David Cameron on the Late Show with David Letterman, an arena in which he would obviously thrive?

In a world that was the right way up they would be knighted. However, judging by the reaction to his fumbling of questions about the Magna Carta and Rule, Britannia! I have the horrible feeling that the knives are more likely out for them, rather than any ceremonial sword.

Some might claim that Cameron is embarrassing enough within our own borders, and the last thing we need is him going abroad with any clumsy attempts to seem cool in a country with someone as smooth as Obama as their leader.

They might claim that the PM is hilariously bad at pretending he’s anything other than a preening, pompous politician pretty much bred to be placed in a position of power over us plebs – and that rather than being a face fit to represent modern Britain, he’s just a complete wazzock.

Apparently Camzo – as he probably wants to be known to under 10s – was there to ride the wave of good publicity that had followed the Olympics and Paralympics being staged in London this summer.

His presence on Letterman’s stage makes sense, because of course it wasn’t the competitors, or the volunteers, or those who had spent a good decade or more committing themselves to those Games who had helped make it such a success.

No, it was the guy elected to the head of public office in 2010, but of course! Wherever would we have been without him? Those events, which I’m assuming he probably micro-managed as soon as he stepped into his Downing Street residency, would have been a complete shambles without him.

If you’re scratching your head at why he might feel able to take credit, you’re missing an important detail: Dazzling Dave – as he probably wishes to be known by the 10 to 16 age bracket – is the man who’s made an art out of selective amnesia.

In doing so he’s shown how to make Britain a better place for one and all – all we have to do is follow his example, and forget how good it used to be. You see, by casting aside those rosy memories of yesteryear, suddenly things don’t appear so bad by comparison.

In Cameron’s world, you don’t need to worry that before you came into power you were going to protect the NHS budget (instead of slashing it), put more police officers on the streets (instead of slashing their numbers), increase the size of the army (you can pretty much guess what happened there), stop slashing loads of things that shouldn’t be slashed (instead slashing pretty much everything that can be slashed without being literally slashed), and so on and so forth.

No, in the eyes of Krazy Kam (as the 16-24s ought to rightly anoint him) Great Britain is definitely the best place in the world, because he’s Prime Minister and that’s the most brilliant thing ever since he gets to travel the world and receives loads of pats on the back for the Olympics and why, isn’t that just splendid, and don’t those he pays to be by his side always make sure to tell him he’s doing a great job?

Thanks to this pioneering attitude, he doesn’t need to know what the Magna Carta is. After all, when you can’t remember what you yourself were thinking a couple of years back, why on earth does it matter what some cavemen were etching on a stone tablet back in the Bronze Age or whenever it was? There’s far more recent and pertinent hypocrisies to be shaved out of the ol’ noggin, without intentionally remembering anything further back than the date Thatcher came to power.

So yes, the best thing we can do is to follow Cameron’s shining example. Just bash your head against a brick wall – as most are doing nowadays anyway in some fashion – and soon all your hopes and dreams and the aspirations of yesteryear will disappear.

Then you’ll no longer be bothered by the state of a country that’s been unceremoniously wrecked beyond belief, or by a Prime Minister who can’t appear on live TV without making himself a complete laughing stock – and also us since we elected him – just weeks after the UK’s reputation had been massively improved through sporting glories.

And wouldn’t that feel much better? Of course it would. Stop thinking and just allow your mind to forget the good times, it will be far better in the long run. And most of all let’s just gloss over this Letterman-Cameron palaver – whatever it actually was that actually happened. And then… Sorry, what were we talking about again?

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